Middle of the Test man
Gentlemen, I need your opinions please. After a few heated threads of late I am a little worried about this story. Do you think it is only personal, tongue in cheek observations from a Test keeper or uneccessarily rude?
It seems to cover one or two posters on this forum, myself included and is how I always imagined most people see the average chalkstream fisher.
I have often made reference to middle of the Test man without knowing exactly who he is. One thing for sure, middle of the Test man does not fish exclusively on the middle Test and some probably don't fish at all. Indeed, I have met the majority of my middle of the Test man on the lower Test, upper Test, all over the Itchen, on many Scottish rivers and last week - he was working on the checkout at Tescos.
He's cut me up on the road, he's spilled my pint down the pub and he's been rude to me in a restuarant. He has become synonymous with anything or anybody that annoys, frustrates or bores me and no matter what race, creed or colour, I refer to these people as middle of the Test men.
My first encounter with the original middle of the Test man was at Nursling many years ago but close my eyes and not only can I see him stood next to me in his ridiculous nineteenth century tweed garb but I can also hear his monotone voice reciting pointless questions that he'd been revising on the night before.
He had read every book ever written on fly fishing and knew the name, hook size and material used in all of the unused five hundred flies that he kept in a beautifully home made wooden box in an immaculately straight formation that the light brigade would have been proud of. Like I say, he couldn't possibly pull a fly from the ranks and they would forever remain dry but none the less he would always have them with him as an impressive display of his fly fishing pedigree.
Middle of the Test man might have a thousand flies of all different sizes to represent all stages of the hatch for all year round but in my experience he would use only one of four. A Grey Wulff, Black Gnat, Daddy long legs or most regularly of all that favourite of dry fly fishermen - a gold headed Montana.
He would claim to belong to The Wild Trout Trust but his first question was always, "What's the biggest fish you stock?" closely followed by, "How many are we allowed to take?" He would make snootish observations such as, "I presume you only stock browns?" but five minutes later let slip, "Goodness those rainbows fight hard don't they?"
Middle of the Test man would also without fail proclaim any fish less than three pound to be a wild one. "Surely nobody in their right mind would stock such small fish would they?" He would complain about weed in the river and about trees on the bank and rather like a golfer moaning about bunkers would dislike anything that made the fishing a little more challenging.
As far as clothing and appearance was concerned he was in a league of his own and from where he got most of his enjoyment. He always turned up in a gleaming four by four, usually a small Japanese one but often a Landrover with shiny new tyres that had never seen rain let alone mud. These vehicles sometimes had magnetic rod holders permanently fixed on although the rods were kept inside the car and there was usually a sticker in the back window stating his support for the countryside or hunting. "Buy British beef!" was always a favourite.
The clothing worn depended on his age as the new and upcoming middle of the Test men tend to dress more like American fishing guides with wrap around glasses and baseball caps on back to front although the originals would favour nineteenth century Eton schoolmaster apparel. Both modern and antique versions will be decked out in every conceivable unneccessary fly fishing gadget and will almost always have a home made priest usually incorporating deer antler.
Middle of the Test man will have brightly coloured fly line, often orange or sometimes a more subtle shade of yellow and will also carry dozens of Bonefish and Tarpon flies - useful on the chalkstreams. The older version has a habit of carrying a bloody great wicker basket with him, sometimes empty and on which he invariably perches his **** and casts in the same place for half an hour and an incredibly small landing net usually hanging completely out of reach between his shoulder blades.
The most worrying thing of all about middle of the Test man is that the more I write of him the more I recognise the majority of the fishermen that haunt the Nursling beat and dare I say I also keep recognising traits a little closer to home. I'm not sure that I'm getting to like middle of the Test man but perhaps, with age, I'm beginning to understand where he's coming from.
Terrible thing.....getting older..... and supposedly wiser.
Donny Donovan 2002
Reg Wyatt
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) I just find these dittys entertaining reading.
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